I wonder ...
A personal journey
Hello Beautiful Ones,
First of all, I would like to heartily welcome the new subscribers to The Art of CCB(s). It’s a joy and honor to have you here!
It's been a while since I shared a post. Partly this is due to a frozen schoulder that is limiting my creative expressions and partly due to an intense transitional period in my inner existence and inner life. So it happens that words flow around in the air while non of them appear on a paper or screen. Instead I very much enjoy reading and learning all about the Gods and Goddesses of The Netherlands and Europe. The spiritual leaders who have been sorely missed for centuries. It sparks a fire … and makes me wonder ...
There is a part of me that wants to remain broken because I know how to deal with it. Another part wishes to be heal(ed) and I believe she is winning ...
~ free after Iyanla Vanzany ~
I was re-reading the article ‘Creation Songs’ I shared a while ago. It starts with this ...
‘They called us into Being ~ We dreamed you into Being’.
‘The first time I read sentences like this, shared by Native Americans I ‘met’ in books, on websites and You Tube, I was in awe. There can hardly be a greater expression of love then calling someone into Being. Inviting a spirit to become human, join life and be a part of humanity. To wholeheartedly invite someone in and wait, filled with hope and joy, for their arrival.’
While musing about this text, I thought; but what if I called myself into Being? With all the love I have for myself, unaware of what this life would bring me. To enable myself to transform the energy of the one I once was. That I came into life here on this planet to be able to live through (trans-generational) traumas and ( ancient) beliefs in order to evolve into ... a fully conscious human being?
Would that be possible? To Be a Fully Conscious Being ..
A few weeks (meanwhile months) ago I wrote the following sentences:
I want
no longer
be burdened
by the pains of yore.
Of my parents and
my ancestors.
I want to be
who I once was.
Free,
ruthlessly
Me.
Alja
And yes ... I have been staring at this word ‘ruthlessly’. It sounds so harsh and loveless, yet I know it is filled with love. A love that is hard as a rock and flexible as a reed. A love based on many life experiences and filled with a life wisdom. A love that follows the wishes of life based on a moral awareness. One that follows an inner compass and embraces the not-knowing with a confidence that cannot be rationally explained.
I wrote this after I rediscovered Fria, the name of the Mother Goddess of the Low Lands (you can read more about her in the article ‘They who love’). She was also called ‘De Vrije. The Free One’ which means; she who loves.
She and her husband Woen were visionaries, healers, poets and warriors in the truest sense of the word. Respectful, caring and loving living with the universal wisdom of birth, care and preservation of life, death and rebirth.
They were the protagonists of the Myths that all disappeared into oblivion after the natives, who lived with (their) nature, were became divided an were conquered. Both within and among themselves. Myths, which tell essential stories of life and the way it tells itself in natural laws and universal processes. It is these tellings that give meaning to life and share insights into our human existence. In who we truly are.
They are the guides we long for. The ones I long for. And looking back at all that I have created over the years, my life and work breathes an intense, in-depth search for her, for the Primal Mother from whom all life emerged. From which I too was born.
I have found the validation of her existence globally in many scriptures and I have recognised the way she tells herself in my own life, and now I wonder if it is possible for someone to be healed from all the traumas and transmitted imprints from outside, and what that means for a person and her (him,they) existence?
Does it mean that you can find a way through the darkness without dimming the light anymore? That you can continue to shine in dark and light times? Humming a song as you make your way through life. That one can stay ones self, unaffected and unshaken? Grounded in and moved by a love that knows all about the darksides of life. Standing in ancient knowledge that seems to be forgotten, aware of the necessity to unity an become one again. Undivided and open to listen to what is alive inside ourselves and inbetween each other.
Perhaps so, for I walk on paths paved by those who ignited a spark in me. Who shared with a sparkle in their eyes and a dance in their bodies how their inner being came alive, often through painful and dehumanising events. And who shared the knowledge and life wisdom those experiences brought them, thereby sharing a path back to your Self, free of indoctrinations and imposed musts.
On the surface, I lead a quiet and simple life. And while I am grateful for all that life has brought me, I don't want to repeat most of it. The pains have been lived and have opened my mind, expanded my awareness. Much has been forgiven, not forgotten.
Maybe all I need is the development of inner wealth, a healthy mind and the love(s) of my life? Is that the existence we are entitled to as human beings. A right that comes with the responsibility to respect all that lives. That requires the discipline and dedication to care for it.
So where does this perpetual restlessness and tension come from and what is the doubt I experience in myself? I have no idea. It keeps popping up at the thought; Can this...? That quiet joy I experience before the thought arises ... Is this really me ... Can this be ... Is this how life is meant to be ... Shouldn't I do more? Excel at something ... ?
Am I allowed to live myself?
By which the answer I'm looking for may have already been given. Not to have to conform, to follow or lead, but to be a fellow human being ... who has become aware of the lifestories she senses, understands their essence and shares them in an illustration, writing, gesture or conversation with loved ones and listeners. Communicating in this way with all that is alive and with the elements, from the depths of my original, native being.
Sovereign and authentic.
And can I stand in the centre of my life, living my inner joy and creating my self while humming a song.
In wonder.
And is my intrinsic life wish;
I
want to
Be
Free
‘Without effort’
Me.
‘Without effort’ like Robin (our bearded collie) who, after leaving his body, shared with me that he could ‘be with me without effort’. (You can read our story in the article named ‘Robin’). With which the door to the naturally grounded, spiritual dimensions of life reopened and I was able to continue the path to myself. Now in an awareness of those in this ‘Other World(s)’ who are with me.
And … it takes a lot of effort to be able to do something without effort. To be able to live together in a world where each one can experience their nature in all purity. In which one seeks to answer the inner and mutual differences that conflict. In which one can ‘Be Free’.
It makes me curious, all the more now world events are so tense that it seems to be leading to a catharsis, about the future and about your experiences, thoughts and story.
Feel free to share it here or elsewhere.
You are wholeheartedly invited.
With Love,
Alja
Thank you