In the depth of the ocean
Return to the well part 3, Winter 2024
Hello Beautiful Ones,
I hope you are doing well during these transformational times. I would like to share with you part 3 of my inner journey. You can read part 1 ‘Where are the women?’ here and part 2 ‘A splinter’ here.
I hope it contributes to a deeper awareness that there is a difference between an imaginary mindstate that can be illusory and an imagineble one that shares truth.
I believe it is possible for us to live in a meditative state, in which we are fully aware of the reality we are living. And that for this we need to differentiate between this embodied state of being and following hypnotic thoughts that mentally fixates us and locks us up in a rationalized way of looking at life, in which avoiding pains and traumas to survive is a main goal.
Whereas, if we are able to lift the veil that has been mentally placed over us, there appears to be a light that can reveal all the colours of ourselves and make them shine brighter than we ever thought possible.
The choice is ours.
Heartily,
Alja
‘They told me I could find her in the light.
I met her in the depths of darkness,
shining brightly.
~Alja ~
Winter 2024
After becoming aware of a splinter caused by transgenerational trauma in autumn, winter came. A time when we as humans turn inward.
The pain in my shoulder didn't want to know about any medicine. Anti-inflammatories, an injection into the joint, painkillers ... they all set my hole body on fire. Nothing helped and I lived between hope and fear. Deep inside me, however, I knew I had to follow the process. I had nothing to say ...
The night before Christmas, I became ill. High fever plagued my body and I lived somewhere between being awake and falling asleep. I woke up, in the middle of the night, growling deep from my throat, like a wolf warning not to come any closer, because it would tear you apart and leave nothing of you. I growled at all those women who had once wronged me. At the betrayal, the suffocation, the death. I hated them.
Somewhere far away, I wondered what was going on and then they came ... the images of being tortured and raped that led to a deep death wish. I heard a voice asking; 'What do we do with her?' To which a woman replied; 'Drown her! No one will be bothered and she won’t be missed. Her body will disappear and nobody will know that we were the ones who did it.'
They could live innoncently and safely on ... while I ... I just wanted to die. I was at the end of my wits and the only way out of the situation seemed to be by death. I felt a hand pushing me underwater, drowning me in a river, where I sensed the shadows of other bodies around me. All of them children. Killed, murdered.
And as I faded away into oblivion, I sensed an inviting chant in the far distance. I felt a light answering the voices and leaving my body. The next moment, I was warmly welcomed by the indigenous, native women, as I knew them from the Americas, from Turtle Island. Open, warm, receptive and powerful women. Open, soft, warm, receptive and powerful. Happy, elated and delighted, they welcomed me home. With an open heart the wrapped their arms around me and a peace came into me that I still experience to this day
Dead tired, feeling like I had run a marathon, I accepted the fact that this was (once) my truth, I laid my head down and fell deeply asleep.
The days that followed brought back many memories who all found a place inside myself. The traumas of my childhood. My yearning as a child to become an ‘Indian’ later on when I grew up. My search for them, to whom I really belonged. The nightmares I had had from childhood on. The grim, almost unstoppable thoughts that kept me awake and the nights I spent reading to avoid them. The stories that haunted me, which I can now say I perceived and not made up myself. The feeling of being lost ...
The intense desire to understand how love works in life and my deep longing for life wisdom and to belong to a family.
How my beings, Knighty-I, Girly Girl, Mazze, Oggus the dragon, Mrs Marigold Marigold and many others, came back to me years ago and shared their stories with me. This after the realisation of a childhood wish, a dream* had turned into a nightmare and I had ended a collaboration that could have made that wish possible.
A collaboration in which I had been asked to participate in an animated series in which a little dolphin girl, narrowly saved by her mother, lost both her parents. She would go on a journey to ‘The Great Tear under the North Pole’, where, so I was promised, my beings could come to life. I was promised heaven, reality was that hell had to be lived through.
The stories, which came to my awareness, shared in metaphors a universal process in which I could recognize my own development. One that became truth (I recently started sharing them in Dutch on Alja's Wonderful World).
The search for my own indigenous, native roots, wondering: Who am I?
It all came together.
‘Life speaks to me in Metaphor.’
~ Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass ~
A few days later, I stood again on the cliff where the storm had spoken to me last summer.
This time the sun was shining, the sky was bright blue and the sea was smiling invitingly at me. As if she stretched out her arms and welcomed me home. With a happy heart, I answered her invitation and climbed down from the cliff. The last bit I fell down. Ans would later say; “you trusted so much that you let go ...”. I landed safe and well on the ground, to run joyful across the beach and dive into the sea, without any hesitation. She took me laughing into her. I was home. And although I never learned to swim properly in real life, I felt like a fish in the water.
Enjoying the clear water, the sun, the light, the plants, fish of all colours and sizes and all other life, I felt free for the first time in a long time. I swam deeper and deeper, wondering if I could swim to the deepest depths. In good spirits and accompanied by many who were with me I dove into the depths. Soon everything turned dark around me. At the bottom, I saw oxygen bubbles rising. My hand reached out for the black stones from which they seemed to spring. A soft voice stopped me. ‘Don't touch them’, it whispered. Quickly I withdrew my hand, glad I had been warned in time and I listened to the warning. Who knows what could have happened.
As I looked around in the silent darkness, I wondered how there could be light here. Promptly, the most beautiful deep-sea fish appeared, giving light and illuminating all the colours of the rainbow, from within themselves. It was beautiful. I felt delighted and enjoyed it to the fullest.
Until I swam across a chasm and perceived an overwhelming depth and deafening silence. For one moment I hesitated. An alertness warned me; did I choose to trust or to fear? This darkness seemed like it could swallow you up and then never let you go. At the same time, I experienced a quiet rejoicing and trusting that this feeling was true, I dove into the silent darkness not knowing what was awaiting me.
The chasm turned out to be funnel-shaped and eventually I dove through a narrow opening to find myself in an open space. It was an underwater cave where a soft light from the water illuminated the cave and I could breathe. Miraculously, I had had no trouble doing so underwater either. I climbed onto the shore and as I sat on the edge, I saw the most beautiful colours. The walls were opal white and all the colours of the rainbow shone on me. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
I was in “awe”. Full of wonder. I could never have imagined this myself and I asked myself if I had entered the womb of Mother Earth? I decided to stay there for the time being.
And a little light lit up, for maybe I had reached ‘The great Tear under the North Pole, where my being could come to form*’. That I had lived through, in real life, what had once been metaphorically promised to me. Amazing. It silinced me.
And writing this all down, I also realise that Do's mother narrowly saved her. Which gives the words the storm spoke to me in the summer of 2024 ‘I saved you’ an even deeper meaning than I suspected beforehand.
Throughout January, I was aware of this other reality, while normal life also went on as usual. I reconciled myself with the fact that my shoulder required rest and the process had to take its course. The pain lessened and I was able to function better and better within the limits given to me. And the gentle clarity I have been experiencing since living through the pain and experiencing the fine is miraculous to say the least.
And ... apparently the cosmos wasn't finished because my question ‘Where are the women?’, the question I asked myself in the summer of 2024, was also answered in the months that followed.
Who askes …. receives answers.
Heartily,
Alja
To be continued.
‘Your heart is the size of an ocean.
Go find yourself in its hidden depths.’
~ Rumi ~
* Years ago, I was asked by a Dutch celebrity to participate in creating characters for an animated series. He wanted to make a series for television about a young dolphin called Do. She had lost both her parents in the monstrous fishing nets emptying the oceans. She herself was narrowly saved, by her mother who managed to squeeze her through the net. Do would go on a journey that ended in a ‘Great Tear under the North Pole’.
In the final presentation, ‘The Great Tear’ had been renamed ‘Heaven under Sea’. I was promised that there my creatures, my beings could come to life and I believed it. The series was never made, but I internalised the wise life lessons this experience entailed and, after a very intense journey, eventually made it! Metaphorically speaking.
And ... metaphors are embodied stories. They share life truths in dimensions we have almost forgotten. Almost ... and how I would love to bring them back into our memory. To be re-membered, so they can come back to life inside ourselves and these truths can be lived and embodied shared by us, consciously. Freely available and accessible to everyone and everybody.
I have therefore decided to start a second Substack and called it Alja's Wonderlijke Wereld. In my mother tongue, which is Dutch, I will share ‘The Legende of Mazze’, ‘Wonderlijke Prentenboeken’ as well as ‘Wat 'Ik’ te vertellen heeft’. Stories, narratives, tellings and findings in which the deeper layers of life come to the surface and are made visible. You are heartily invited to take a look and if you like it; become a member. Hope to see you there too!
Heartily,
Alja