When change is required; What can I do?
Some guidelines to rediscover who we truly are and can share; This is Me.
‘If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.’
~ Maya Angelou ~
Hello Beautiful Ones,
In many texts I have been reading and listening to lately, there seems to be a core question saying; My existence, my well-being, my life is threatened on a physical, emotional, mental and/or spiritual level. A change is required; What can I do?!?
I would like to share what I became aware of over the decades, what I did and still do while going through an intense healing process in which parts of myself are returning who have been hiding in the dark for ages, where they could stay unseen and therefor seemed to be safe. But now the light is shining in they are scared to be revealed because it feels for them like dying. While reality is that they become uncovered to shine their light and be loved (at least by me!). To take their place and space in (my) life. In this process of being born again and opening myself for a renewed me, I’ve learned and became able to love myself while stumbling, falling, laying my head down, finding my feet and standing up again. I hope that, if you are searching for guidelines, this writing can be of help or add something to what you are already aware of.
When going through changes some kind of map that gives insights in the processes of life and its natural laws can be very helpful, just like a roadmap when we have to travel. It makes it easier to understand the nature of the human(e) ego who serves our life and love for it. It cares, preserves, protects and when needed defends our space and place in our lives.
A map like this can make visible where we are standing in our life and which steps we can take on our journey to become the one we know we are. It shows the choices we have, despite or maybe thanks to the circumstances we are in. Besides this we also need the tools so we can follow-up to the choice we have made and we need a recipe we can follow to find our inner life joy in it all.
As long as this roadmap, the tools and recipe stay unknown to us, we will act unconsciously and life will feel like a tornado or a deathly silence, overwhelming us with devastating happenings, creating emotions and thoughts we hardly know how to stop them without checking out on ourselves. The invitation of life is to become able to stay in the midst of this tornado where the sky is bright and the silence filled with life. A place where we are grounded in the depths of the soil and connected with the sky, while life moves around us and we can anticipate on life happenings.
The sky might be the limit, but we will fall deep when there is no (common) ground to stand on.
It’s not an easy task nor journey to undertake, not everyone will be willing to go this road and it can be a very lonely one too. It is one that is worthwhile to walk though, because kindred spirits, living and deceased, will join while we move forward and transform our life from surviving into living, into becoming, into being, into …who-knows-what ...
Over the decades I filtered out a roadmap that eventually turned into a summarized schedule in which one can see how we grow and evolve as human beings. It needs more explanation though when you’re not familiar with the way the force of life tells itself in the body and through the mind.
Therefor I wrote few years ago an article about the nature of the ego in which I shared in a simple understandable way, in words and illustrations, how a pain can turn into a trauma and how it splits and divide us as human beings inside ourselves ánd turns the world outside ourselves in a dangerous place. It creates a longing we can hardly name. I shared it last year here on Substack and you’re wholeheartedly invited to read it here:
Art, music, books, poems, philosophies, scientific discoveries, nature are all precious gifts of life who can remember and enable us to return into a state of equilibrium. They can open us for awe and wonder, give insights in the spirit we truly are. They can spiral us back through the void we are dancing around inside ourselves and reconnect us with our inner Being(s). They can build a bridge between the one we ought to be according to others and the one we truly are based on our intuitive and instinctively knowing; This is Me.
We can also loose ourselves in them. When a void is an empty vacuum, created by unlived pains and trauma, it keeps and let us shy away from standing and living in the midst of our own life. From being centered in the love for (our) life. To Just Be with clear boundaries, an open mind and loving heart.
To get there one will have to face amongst others fears, anxieties, shame, sadness, grief, anger, hatred, indifference, denials and disbelieves we experience in all their guises and in many dimensions. We will get out of balance to find a new balance. It enables us to root deeper in the soil that feeds us so we can reach higher to the sky that inspires life.
Substack is a medium for writers and readers. One where everyone is invited to be here as one wishes. To observe, to join. To stay at the waterside, put a toe into the water of life or to dive into it, and everything in between. Writing is one of the many tools we can use to go through this process of remembering and healing ourselves.
I myself have had a difficult relationship with life, which was reflected in the relationship with my parents. In my late twenties I searched for a way to communicate with them in which I would honor myself and my life experiences without offloading my emotions, biases and prejudices onto them. I wanted to honor them too and stop the pain and (family) trauma by not blaming and shaming them for the pains and disbelieves I experienced.
It was impossible to do this in person and during conversations, so I asked them if they would be open to communicate with me in writings. Not by e-mail but the old fashion way; by letters. With a pen on paper! (It connects the mind with the body, which is utmost important, especially in these times). Yet creates time in which one can slow down and create space for one’s self. To listen to inner thoughts, feelings and emotions and share ones experiences. To reflect, find ones truth and the courage to share it.
So writing became a tool I used. I needed a recipe though that I could follow. My partner had a very brief list which I used, and while going through the process we both filled the gaps we experienced and added them to the list.
My parents and I never found the words to close the gap between us, however I found a way to close the gap between myself and my other selves, the ones lingering in the dark who had a deep need to be seen and heard. They are the ones who stand up when my existence, well-being, life is threatened and provide me with the answers to the question; what I can do?! Out of an awareness of the possibilities I have and what I am capable of to do. To create a life in which my ego serves life and the love for it. It’s a bumpy road that makes me feel alive and it provides guidelines, that asks of me to let go of control and trust life. It enables to forgive myself for not knowing and to change and transform thoughts and behaviors in the moment I do know.
‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.’
~ Maya Angelou ~
I would like to share this (summarized) recipe, not that it is something new but it offers a structure one can follow when life is tough. I have to add, that this is not something one can accomplish alone. We as humans need each other to open our minds and become able to see through our blind spots ánd we desperately need a body awareness. To many heads are floating in the air believing they know it all …. while their bodies are suffocating, betrayed and hated for who they are. The body is a part of the soul and deserves to be listened to, because she carries the life wisdom as old as the universe in her.
However the recipe can offer a guideline to start with and/or might add something to what you already know.
Heartily,
Alja
Here you can find A Roadmap of Life
You have to read it from bottom to top. Since your feet also stand on the earth and your crown reaches to the sky ... it starts with ‘To Be’.
And here’s a recipe one can follow to share an I-message, which says and shows;
THIS IS ME.
After a life happening one can be confused and uncertain. To find a way back to yourself and others sharing an I-message can be very helpful. It can connect and bring you in touch with everything you are aware of within yourself as a human being, and enables you to share it with another person. It can create an honest encounter that might lead to an open inner communication between the body and mind and an outer conversation between humans.
RECOGNIZING = ACKNOWLEDGING
• I see, hear, taste, smell and my skin is telling ………
name what you actually see, hear, taste, smell and your skin is telling.
e.g. I see a red sweater, a man, a ball, music, I taste salt or pepper, I smell roses or bread. I have goosebumps, rising hair etc. without judgment, such as “nice” sweater, “beautiful or saddening” music etc. without any other interpretation.
Avoid “my/mine, you/your, us/ours'“
Name just plain factual sensorily information , pure and simple, as you perceived them.
(This because reality is; I see a red sweater which seems nice to me, I hear music that makes me sad others might have another experience. My children? They are not yours, they are theirs. You might be the one who gave birth to their lives, or who enjoyed co-creating them)
• In my body, I experience ………
e.g. tension in my muscles, jaws, trembling, warmth, cold, stop breathing, take a deep breath, leaning forward or backward, shifting position, etc.
• I experience the feeling of...
e.g. calm, joy, surprise, sadness, anger, rage, powerlessness, power, doubt, etc.
• I notice that I have a tendency to...
e.g. thinking, resisting, manipulating, persuading, leaving, circumventing, arming myself, making things bigger or smaller, talking louder or softer, etc.
Your escape routes.
• When I see that image, I think of ………
e.g. what thoughts, associations, memories you have about it.
• I think the following about that ………
e.g. what thoughts, ideas, judgments you have about it.
• I have the OPINION that…….(it) is so.
Repeat aloud what you said in the previous step under “I think about that”
Make it your own.
• I want to tell (you) that I am aware of…..…
Describe WHAT the happening did/does to you in your own inner experience and rational perception.
This way you can get insights in your inner communication, between your body and mind and discover how you perceive and experience information from the world outside yourself.
There can be a difference between someone’s intention and how you experience things. This because an unlived pain and trauma can be stirred and come to the surface. In cases like this you have to turn inwards and open yourself for your realities and inner communication to eventually find the guts and share them also in words with others. So the trauma becomes seen, heard, felt, tasted, smelled and a difference can be made. By naming the pain, you can heal.
Words are the most powerful medicine life has given us!
‘There is no greater burden then an untold story!’
~Maya Angelou ~
SEARCHING FOR AND SHARING YOUR I-MESSAGE
means you are taking responsibility for yourself.
PROJECTION, pointing at ‘YOU’, is the ‘I’ disguised as the OTHER.
This means you place your answer and responsibility outside yourself.
And by doing so, you fail to acknowledge the other person, which causes conflict.